Sunday, November 19, 2006

Email to a Sponsee to let him go!
It breaks my heart that our relationship as Sponsor - Sponsee had to end on the note that it has. I am really concerned for you and wish you well. A the same time having discussed in length in a trio with 72 years of sobriety plus talked about you to a counselor with 23 years I believe you really need to open up your eyes and ears and look at the amount of relapse warning signs that you are living under. You thanked me for participating in saving your life so if you really mean that please look at this in leisure and act upon it before it is too late. I put this together for you with love so treat it so please. I do not want to see you return to jail because you are not able to take care of business.

A dry drunk is a terrible place to live in because when we are in one we lead impoverished lives. We experience severe limitations to grow, to mature, and benefit from the possibilities that life offers. We lack the freshness and spontaneity that genuinely sober alcoholics manifest. Our life is a closed system, attitudes and behaviors are stereotyped, repetitive, and consequently predictable. Denial of reality keeps us there and we are not looking at root causes. Some alcoholics who experience the dry drunk seem to know all the answers, are seldom at a loss for words when it comes to self-diagnosis. Their knowledge is quite impressive, their apparent insight, as opposed to genuine insight, is convincing. They are convinced that they are sober, they are convinced that their life is OK, they are convinced that their program is in order….and yet the truth speaks otherwise. You cannot rip people off or kite checks if you are sober.

Since the abnormality of the alcoholic's attitudes and behavior during the drinking career is generally recognized, the persistence or these character traits after stopping drinking (or the reappearance after an interlude of sobriety) is equally abnormal. The term "dry drunk" therefore denotes the absences of favorable change in the attitudes and behavior of the alcoholic who is not drinking, or the reversion of these by the alcoholic who has experienced a period of successful sobriety. From these conditions, it is to be inferred that the alcoholic is experiencing discomfort in life. The self-destructive attitudes and behavior of the dry drunk alcoholic are different in degree but not in kind. The alcoholic, when drinking, has learned to rely on a deeply inadequate, radically immature approach to solving life's problems. And this is exactly what one sees in the dry drunk. Long story short what this means if you are still living life exhibiting the character defects which were present when you were still using and they have not yet been arrested by your surrender then this is the syndrome we are talking about. Yes you can continue to live the way you are convinced you are working a meaningful program but without surrender and action the symptoms will not be attacked. Wishful thinking is very much in evidence in the dry drunk syndrome as the individual slips farther and farther from reality and is no longer able to deal with the sober unmanageability is his life. A return to using is just a matter of time.

We see them and recognize them in the 12-step rooms... been in the program for years and their lives seem to be a constant unmanageable struggle. All those years and they have no more of a spiritual awakening than they did the first time they walked into the room. "Dry Drunk" has been described as "A condition of returning to one's old alcoholic thinking and behavior without actually having taken a drink." Or as one wise old drunk put it, if a horse thief goes into A.A. what you can end up with is a sober horse thief. Or a personal favorite: you can take the rum out of the fruit cake, but you've still got a fruit cake! You will wind up living a miserable life!

With help you will learn to see the world and yourself more realistically, and develop habits that lead to a happier life. The basic aims of this phase of your recovery should be to develop responsible behavior, patience, honesty and self- acceptance. The implication here is that people in this state only outwardly adhere to AA — but, deep down, they have not really accepted the 12 steps and still live in a state of denial. From everything I see I believe that you’re experiencing the effects of a dry drunk, and I suggest you find yourself a sponsor as soon as possible and make sure he knows all the things you are dealing with.

Before you do that let me remind you of what character defects you should have looked at in Step 4 and then ask yourself if they came back?

Aggressive, angry, apprehensive, argumentative, arrogant, avoidant, compulsive, conceited, cynical, defensive, defiant, denying, dishonest, evasive, fearful, gluttonous, gossiping, hyper sensitive, impatient, indifferent, jealous, justifies own actions, lack of purpose, lazy, lustful, lying, manipulative, crude, rude, sarcastic, self important, self centered, self justifying, self seeking, slothful, stealing, stubborn, undisciplined, untrustworthy, vain, wasteful, willful, wordy, verbose

Sunday, September 10, 2006


I take your good idea. I take it and make smaller, more effiecient. Then I take more effecient idea and sell it for twice the price! HAHAHA! Stupid americans!

But really, this is a survey off of Brian's Live Journal that I decided to do and post here cuz I love boring you with bullshit. I hope you didn't have any pressing buisness in the morning.

Series one
-- Birthplace: Van Nuys, CA
-- Current Location: Ventura, CA
-- Eye Color: Blue
-- Hair Color: Brown or Black depending on the last time I dyed.
-- Righty or Lefty: : Southpaw
-- Zodiac Sign: Sagitarius
-- Innie or Outtie: Innie

Series two - describe
-- Your heritage: I am a dumb cacausian kid.
-- The shoes you wore today: Adidas Campus'
-- Your eyes: When there not bloodshot from complete lack of sleep, I've gotten a few compliments.
-- Your hair: bedhead 90 percent of the time.
-- Your weakness: too giving.
-- Your fears: spiders and needles
-- Your perfect pizza: Numero Uno pizza. So hard to find these days.

Series three - what is
-- Your most overused phrase on aim: "what up"
-- Your thoughts first waking up: "fuck not again!"
-- The first feature you notice in the same or opposite sex: eyes
-- Your bedtime: I try for 8 hours before I need to awake the next day. Doesn't happen though.
-- Your greatest accomplishment: The black book. A collection of comics I wrote in high school. It's about 200 pages I think.

Series four - you prefer
-- Pepsi or coke: Dr. Pepper
-- McDonald's or Burger King: Burger King
-- Single or group dates: single.
-- Adidas or Nike: Adidas.
-- Chocolate or vanilla: chocolate
-- Cappuccino or coffee: don't drink coffee. Only tea.
-- boxers or briefs: boxers

Series five - do you
-- Smoke: no
-- Cuss: constantly
-- Take a shower everyday: yes
-- Have a crush(es): always
-- Do you think you've been in love: yes.
-- Want to go to college: I'm there reluctantly
-- Want to get married: not yet, but not saying no.
-- Type w/ your fingers on the right keys: yes
-- Believe in yourself: yes.
-- Think you're attractive: no.
-- Get along with your parents: sometimes.
-- Like thunderstorms: yes.
-- Play an instrument: Yes.

Series six - in the past month, did/have you
-- Drank alcohol: yes
-- Made Out: no.
-- Go on a date: no.
-- Been in love: no
-- Gone skinny dipping: no.

Series seven - have you ever
-- Played a game that required removal of clothing: no.
-- Been caught "doing something": Yes, not jerkin it though. I doubt I'd stop if I was caught too since it is MY room after all.
-- Been called a tease: Yes.

Series eight - the future
-- Age you hope to be married: I don't think about it because I'm not in a position to.
-- Numbers and Names of Children: If I have a kid, I just want one. The name goes with the time.
-- Describe your Dream Wedding: Don't put any thought in to the idea.
-- How do you want to die: happy.
-- What do you want to be when you grow up: Rock god? Porn star?
-- What country would you most like to visit: Most of Europe, Brazil, and Japan.

Series nine - opposite sex (or in some cases same sex)
-- Best eye color: the color that shines the soul.
-- Best hair color: I tend to date blondes, but I honestly have no preference.
-- Short or long hair: depends on the girl.
-- Best weight: not anorexic, but not obese either.
-- Best first kiss location: lips if it's love, cheek if its fleeding.

feel free to copy this and email me your answers. I love reading these things (I have no life and pursue entertainment through the lives of others.).

Wednesday, April 12, 2006

Core of the news
Cuckoo, me revoilou...
Some small riddles to put to us in mouth if you want well...

And if you do not want it is similar, it is "MY" post...

Not against, I would be disappointed if you did not appreciate it pô...

One goes there...?

It left...

What a pea and a carrot which fight together?

A good duel.

How is a driver of Hearse called?

A Pilot Death

What there is it between you and me?


Which is the plural of Coke?

Of Haltères

Because a Coke refreshes.

What a clove of garlic thrown against a wall, and who rebounds?

It is the return of the Garlic jet.

What says a blind man when one gives him sandpaper?

Whore! It is written tight.

Why, when a boat runs, shouts one:
Women and children initially!

Because after, the sharks are not any more hungry?

Why the soap merchants make do fortune?

Because their customers know them honest.

According to are Elvis there two kinds of UFO, which?

The Tender UFO
and the True UFO. Why the good Chinese sisters like do Beatles?

Because they are yellow the nuns.

It is when the return of Thursday?

Between the mercredaille and the vendredaille.

What is green and moves on water?

A marine cabbage.

Two goats are on a boat
BABA falls to water
What does it occur?

BABA runs and
BABI bleats.

How is called the newspaper published each week in the Sahara?

News Paper.

How is papaw collected?

With the foufourche.

Where does one find saturdays before Friday?

In the dictionary.

What it is the color of the flu virus?

Gray blade.

What makes a crocodile when it meets another crocodile?

It accosts it.

What did it occur in 1111?

The invasion of Huns.

What makes 30 cm and who is white?

Nothing, everyone knows that if that made 30 cm, it is black.

Ah, ah...

Then i thinks what...?
Oh I do not await any praise, but if that your make smile, it is gained.

Then, you have:

- Cried
- Smiled
- IH
- Vomit
- Shouted
- Even sourcillé
- Found that weak
- Another proposal to be made...

To go, a photo tite "to brighten" this post.

I find it superb. One does not know too much if it is fog, of the fog, of cold of heat. Fine Ca chaotic, end of the world, strange, paranormal, astonishing, diverting, cold in the back, I pass from there and from best...
If not, I am always well in my new job.
I know, you card, but that makes me good cause and keep you informed of what I do.
I start to see stinging some relational difficulties between certain colleagues. Ca does not jump to the eyes immediately. Ca appeared idilic with the beginning.
And when you digs a little, you realiserealises that it is not also "pink" which it appears to with it.

I know, I am a little blue flower. I kept a heart of child. I am still very credulous on the things of the life. Times, I plant myself. But with the age, and the experiment, I start to open the eyes. it takes time, but I am less often made have...

Oilà, you know all min nan...

At the week chopraine if you want well...

Zoubi, with bye...

Friday, April 07, 2006

Life after Twelve

at 19, i've never felt old, because i belong to a clearly defined marketing demographic: that lucky and lucrative "18 to 25" category. it is around this age, that i enjoy the best of both worlds. while it's still acceptable for me to subsist on Lucky Charms, shop at American Eagle, and write on Hello Kitty stationery, i'm equally welcomed to grown up things like Starbucks, the Banana Republic, and Palm Pilots.

these adult-kid boundaries are quickly blurring, as i noticed today walking into Express (i know i swore it off, but who could resist a big red sign that says '50% off clearance?'). every customer in the store was literally half my age. yes, at 19, i really could say that now with disdain. even the sales girls looked no older than high school juniors. granted, it's kind of hard for anybody to look old wearing the candy-colors Express dished out this season -- but really, should those who haven't grown boobs be sifting through the push-up bras? sick of the pretense, gum-smacking, size (below) zeroes, and tacky highlights, i headed straight for an ageist's sanctuary: Starbucks. the situation was no better; in Westfield, Starbucks trumps the neighborhood ice cream parlor, pizza joint, and McDonalds, as a 12-year-old's place of choice. i'm fully convinced the only money that pumps Westfield commerce comes from a collective of spoiled teenie boppers. or am i just bitter...and old?

if old means having my own Visa, better taste, and some respect, then i'm glad to be older. at both ends of the merchandising spectrum, i represent the coveted secondary cliente -- not the main intended audience, but generous patrons nonetheless. we are free to purchase our own junk food, wardrobes, and Iced MochaFrappaLattes. credit card companies can legally have a field day taking advantage of our (ambivalent) material enthusiam coupled with complete financial irreponsibility. i recall sitting in some sticky classroom as a seventh grader, yearning for a day when attendance didn't matter. and now it doesn't. grown-ups make you anticipate your 18th birthday as this milestone event, because you become an "adult" by law. but that milestone is superfluous for most people (unless you were a voting fanatic, or secretly dating a 35-yr-old, or awaiting criminal prosecution). the real fun comes after 21 nowadays, when "legal adult" becomes "legal drinking age". i've been waiting to be in my twenties since i was twelve.

Thursday, March 30, 2006

Bad ethnic food experience
Before settling down to some quality time at the Reef with JC and DS (my old college roommates), i had some high hopes for the Grille from Ipanema. i've never had their Brazilian food, but the menu looked tasty enough. we ordered the alligator for appetizer, which went down like reconstituted chicken and fish. my entree ended up being chopped chicken, collard greens, and rice. all very greasy.

it's one of those meals that stays with you, and not in a good way. it sits in your stomach; it plays tricks on you. after a while, everything in the Reef started to smell like greasy Brazilian meat to me. the smell hit me again when i walked by my neighbor's door. this food is going to give me nightmares.

Saturday, March 18, 2006

I can't believe that happend...
Man...crazy. Last night I was at David's, and I was quite pleased with the drastic change he made by moving from the 2 trailors fused together, to the 3 story luxury house that is his new home. He deserves it for all the shit he has been through, and everything that he has done for others. grand and beatiful as the evening was, something tramatic did happen. We were watching Porn movies in his basement and we started fooling around naturally. You see...we've had sex about 4 or 5 times now, and it still hurts. When we first had sex I didn't bleed, which made me believe that I had lost that membrane in some accident or tampon use type thing. However last night proved me completely wrong. David was fingering me and he went in extremely deep and when he pulled out his fingers were more or less coated in a thin coat of my blood. This frightend me quite badly. Why? I don't really know. I just started tearing up and he looked at me with the most concern I have ever seen in someones eyes when they've looked at me. It was a bit surreal, and I hated the fact I was crying so I managed to stop myself. I then ran to the bathroom cleaned up and calmed myself down.

I just didn't know, and assumed something different had happend but that wasn't the case. I've been a little depressed since then, but I think I'll be alright. Maybe now things will be easier in the sexual means...

Tuesday, March 07, 2006

Alright people...this is where you have the choice to read on or not. Don't ridicule me for what I say, and don't even try to say that I shouldn't put this up here. This is my blog, and I decide what goes on it and what doesn't. Anyway...on with it...

I've been wanting to write some thing on this blog related to sex since the day I created this blog. I choose this one over my other blog because people I know and come incontact with daily don't read it. The only person who I do know that reads this is Steven, however I don't think Steven visits here anymore because of my infrequent post rate.

The subject is sex as you can tell from the title. Not so much wether it is right or wrong, just my decision on it. I havn't told anyone this(save for Jill), yet I decide to put it on a public blog...don't ask. No one knows how David and I got together. I asked him out on a date on Grace's birthday, and he excepted. It didn't feel like anything serious, I just realized that night that I had a thing for him. It was just like a sort of promise to hang out rather than a date. However we never really set a date. Then a month or so ago he asked me to go camping with him and his family. I was kind of a last resort because all of his other friends backed out. I was surprisingly allowed to go because I helped out with the house so well earlier that day. So he and his dad pick me up. We stop at his house to get some things, and then we go to the camp grounds which were by a lake. We find a place, and we hang out together. I soon find out that David and I would be sharing a tent together, and he had forgot his sleeping stuff so I would share mine with him. Come dusk, we decide to go to the lake. It was about a half a mile away, and we raced each other there. He won of course...

The thing was that the entire time before and during out time at the lake that night we talked about porn and flirted without shame. Then we get to the lake and it's beautiful, right at sunset. Then David starts talking to me about Bruce Lee(his hero) and karate, and I was captivated by the passion he excerted about it. Then we start walking back leaning on each other because we are "tired". Then we laugh and joke, and he groped my butt. He makes some comment about having a nice butt, and continues to flatter me about how nice my body is. Then we stop and I look up. Right when I look up he kissed me, and it was special. Then we continue back giggling to the camp. When we get back we eat some dinner and talk. Then we move back to the tent. After a while his parents go to bed leaving us alone and awake in our own seperate tent across the way. We of course start making out, and really get into it. Then after a few moments of passionate kissing and heavy petting, David looks at me through the dark and asks "Do you want to? I have protection, but we don't have to if you don't want to."

This left me in a moment of uncertainty, yet complete certainty. I know with Scott we almost had sex, but never had the guts or the time to do it. However, here I finally am with that time and with someone I actually care about. I looked back at him and asked "Does it mean anything?" and he responded with "If it means something to you then it means something to me" Then I whisperd "I love you" and he whisperd it back and we had sex twice that night. I remeber waking up the next morning before everyone and his arms were laying across me in this protective hug. I was so content, and I gently removed his arms and sneaked out to go to the shower. When I returned I kissed him awake, and the look he gave me when he opend his eyes was amazing. He wrapped his arms around my neck and brought my face down for a good morning kiss and an I love you.

I suppose I'm writing about all this now, because this past Thursday we feed our passion again for the first time since our first time. I've never been so happy with someone before, and it makes me even happier knowing that he treasures me. I'm so glad that he's moving out of that Hell hole and moving into his grandparents house. I'll get to go visit him now, since my parents actually like his grandparents. He deserves alot for all he does for people.